Howard Windstorm

Attention: the many spelling and grammar mistakes on the parts of the characters are entirely intentional and used to show accent and overdoses of coffee.

Howard Windstorm walked out of the meeting building, surrounded by his hundreds of armed guards. He took out his graphing calculator and called Izak. "I'm going to take a transport to Mars. Wanna come?" Izak told him that he actually had to settle a rebellion in Bangladesh and he would come within a few weeks. Howard agreed that it would be fine.
Ending the call on his graphing calculator, Howard decided to go for coffee. The happenings in the town were halted by the famous Howard Windstorm smiling and waving at them, but moreso, the hundred heavily armed guards surrounding them. Howard spotted a coffee show and got his money out.
"Oh! Howard Windstorm! How nice of you to support are small business! How can we help you?"
Howard contemplated the choices before deciding to buy the strongest coffee they had. They quickly mixed it up, doing their very best. Howard spent the entire time sniffing the air in an odd fashion, making him look like a mouse. The owners of the shop took notice of this and took care not to laugh. They finally finished and Howard snatched the coffee out of the shopkeeper's hands.
Howard thought the taste was wonderful. He finished it off in seconds. Smiling, he waited for the boost of energy to come to him. No boost came. Instead, he felt rather tired. He slowly closed his eyes, not thinking what could have caused this sudden lack of energy. He quickly collapsed to the floor. That was the last he saw of the coffee shop.

Waking up, he saw he was in what looked like a large prison cell. Looking around, he saw several heavily armed guards. They bore the emblems of the spy agency, his enemies. They must have kidnapped him while he was dozing off in the coffee shop! Looking up at his captors, he screamed, "What is with the bland decor of this place?! You could at least get some furniture!"
Ignoring his comment, they said, "We have caught you Howard Windstorm. You have committed acts of sabotage and treason on the United States government. You are sentenced to a life in jail and must give all your possessions to the United States government."
"Sure, but where's my coffee?"
"Windstorm, you are not amusing. Your simple jokes will not save you."
"You..." he said with a deeply angered look on his voice, "You took it!"
"You can't attack us. We are armed with guns. We will kill you if you try to escape.
"Oh, fine," said Howard, "I guess I'll just have to brew my own coffee." He ripped open his jacket and took some coffee beans out. Then he took out a portable coffee pot and started brewing the coffee.
"Didn't you check his jacket?" asked one of the guards, "You know he could be hiding a gun in there!"
Howard poured some coffee in some cups that were also in his jacket. The room was filled with the delicious scent. Even the guards thought it smelled good. Seeing this, Howard offered them some. Not used to being offered coffee by their captives, they were taken aback. "It's good. Best of the Peruvian brews, they say. The guards accepted. "Cheers to coffee!" said Howard, but the guards mostly ignored him and drank their coffee.
Unfortunately, they hadn't realized something: Howard couldn't control himself when he had coffee. Howard began to twitch, startling the guards. His breathing became rapid and he seemed to be looking at things that weren't there.
"Izak," he said, seemingly seeing Izak in front of him, "You have to give up this capitalism you're following. We need North Korea's support," then, seeming to hear an answer, he said, "Well, if that's the case, I'll have to stop you."
A guard interrupted, "What are you talking about?!"
"Shaddup! Don talk when eyem saying somethin'! Now Izak, you die!" he lunged at a spy and punched him below the heart, killing him. "If you're lucky, you'll still have a backup," he said. The other guard stood in fear, holding his gun out.
"Whut 'er you doin'? Get outta my way," he said, his vision being to distorted to see the gun. He walked past the guard, who was screaming threats at him, but Howard didn't seem to notice at all.
Then Howard turned toward the guard, having a very different expression on his face. "I shee noh," he said, seemingly back to his normal self but still with slurred speech, "Yur wun a da spies. Iw fix ya," and he threw a small cracker at the guard. In just a second when the cracker collided with the guard, the guard exploded. Howard did the same to the locked door. "Antawmatta shur is usefu," he said, and ran out.